Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
She's JV to your varsity
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
