he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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