no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Randomize
