gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
