sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
