i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
