If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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