tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
