Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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