You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
