Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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