I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
