hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
