it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
