when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
should my penis look like a turkey
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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