I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Randomize
