yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
