So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
