Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
