You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
