theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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