Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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