Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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