I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
