yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
then he tried to convert me to islam
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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