It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Is Oprah even human
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
