I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
This is my gift to your gina
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize