I think I am morally bankrupt
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
