I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
