So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
