so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
