Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
