I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
