this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
