I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
