Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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