Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I need to sanitize my soul.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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