she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize