There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
