There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
