Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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