They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
