Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
