Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
