The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
