Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
as a side note pls kill me
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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