as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
