I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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