god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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