You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
