Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
