The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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