I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
not ubering you a puppy
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
