I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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