I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
