I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
