shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
